Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
