apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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