If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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