I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
