Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
