i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
