i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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