Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
