I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Randomize
