dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
