Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
