it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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