So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
