this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
