and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
