I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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