wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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