Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize