my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
