My room smells like vodka and shame
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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