I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
