True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
