I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
40s are totally the cure
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
