GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
