She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
