So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
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Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
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do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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