Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
