guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?