I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
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handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
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It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day