I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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