New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
