Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
