remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
