Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
As shirtless as possible
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
