Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
