i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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