So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
