Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I wish I only lived at night.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
