I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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