I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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