Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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