i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
