I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Your cock deserves a montage
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
