he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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