Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just invented taco cereal.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
