I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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