it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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