I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
