Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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