Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
