I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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