Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
