My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
