my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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