I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
