She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
