if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yo dont text me then not text me
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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